Life of BRex

Global Warming is all Sunshine, Roses, and Rainbows

2007-07-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

It's great to have a rising average temperature. Everything is hotter, which is cool.

Rise of Power

2006-12-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

The Potentially Insane Take to The Net!

In a world where just about anyone with computer access and the ability to type coherently in at least one language can post their innermost feelings and desires online, the conservative party of Canada has made a huge step in cutting out my competition.

IM sure anyone who watches any reality TV (the unscripted REAL kind) reads a newspaper or listens to the radio has heard about harpers segregating his party from the press. But now hes gone so far as to pull at least one of Stockwells posts from the sphere. All future posts have to go through personal view of the prime minister of Canada before reaching our eyes.

Wheres the justice! IF I, A potentially insane IDIOT am allowed to post WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT HERE, than shouldnt the well educated supposedly intelligent political figures who are RUINING OUR COUNTRY... Wait sorry RUNNING OUR COUNTRY be trustworthy enough to do the same.

The only logical conclusion I can draw from this is that Harper has been eating his Party one by one and cant let the media find out. After all hes never gone on record saying he dosent eat babies.(and their all someones babies)

What do you get the Olympic athlete who has everything?

2006-12-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

A medal for a medal

Okay so I may just be jealous because I like shiny things, But I was reading the paper and learnt that Cindy klassen, Canadas Multimetalist at the Olympics, has received yet another award for her award winning performance at the last games.

That means that because she won all those medals we have given her two more medals and, yes; an honorary law degree. Dont get me wrong I know shes the best at the world at what she does, but what she does is run and skate really fast, and she ALSO WON MULTIPLE OLYMPIC MEDALS FOR IT!

Yknow what id like to see? People getting medals for doing something useful, and yes im aware of the Nobel prize (but does anyone remember who won for chemistry last year? I sure as hell dont). Hell I wired up a table to work by remote control, I didnt even get a button. Just a burn from my soldering torch.

But I digress, if atheletes are worthy of Honorary law degrees than shouldnt lawyers be awarded honorary olympic medals? At least the top of the class should get one shouldnt they? Its only fair.

Moving up the Ladder

2006-12-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

Lowered Expectations!

Well this is clearly a case of my ex falling back in love with me. Since the break up we havent had much contact, aside from one nite where we went to her place drank a whole lotta rum and made cookies, and this isnt a metaphor we made actual cookies... Chocolate chip... They were delicious... But anyway

But anyway... I was spending time with her brother (we went to highschool together and are both avid gamers) when she came in suggested we watch arrested development(only the most sex-i-full-ish show about housing developments ), and share a plate of poutine (thats fries covered in gravy and cheese... only the hottest thing any good greaseloving man like myself could eat)

But after taking Season three from The trip to the cabin all the way to the end of the wedding episode, i had to go... and she asked if i wanted to go see a movie later. I said sure and that i would call her when i finished dinner with the family (pasta la vista)

Of course i figured she was probably just looking to get out of the house and that her current boyfriend (too tall for a a 5ft girl i might add) was occupied at the moment. Plus if i can get over the "your the girl i have naked pictures of on my computer" issues, having a friend couldnt hurt. Naturally however she seemed to have other plans, when i called her back she decided naturally that the movie was a bad idea. This is of course the same technique she used to get me into her house and keep me there when we were dating. WELL IM NOT FALLING FOR IT! Wait what? Well the important thing is i made up my mind.

Oh and by the way dya know how they make those black noodles black in the fettuchini? SQUID INK!!!

also dont mention the naked pictures thing... i wouldnt want that information to get out and say... Posted on the internet.

No Sweat Pants Button

2006-12-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

I Cant Stay Mad At You

Well im back after a long hiatus. But I have a great excuse. What is it? uhhh, my chair was defective.

Thats right I got a new blogging chair. A reclining blogging chair with footstool. Black... Leather... The works. All for the low low price of 90 dollars

Where did I get it? AT MY NEW JOB! Thats right I quit working for the Orange Devils. They gave me an ultimatum quit the physio you need to recover from your car accident. Or dont get any hours.

So I went to the competition and said I accept your offer to pay me more.

I also bought a new car since Autopac has refused to let me have my old one.
yknow cuz they sold it to someone before they owned it.

Honda Civic
50000k (almost)
Reliable car?
Check back for an update and a link to my next blog "MyHondaSucks.com"
With Sound AND video.

Rona Ambrose defends climate change...

2006-11-12T17:26:00.000-08:00

...plan. She defends Canada's New Government's approach to tackle climate change in 2050. Gosh you gotta love a Minister of the Environment that places the environment into its place - second, or third, or maybe at least fourth when it comes to settling Canada's international obligations and commitments. With that kind of "take charge" and "run away" attitude, she'll earn the nickname Runa Awaybrose in no time.

In other news, BRex works at a store that doesn't rhyme with Minister Ambrose's first name. It's one of those homographs. The store is a homograph, not BRex - he likes girls. I hope that the Conservatives approach to same-sex marriage doesn't take a bad turn, and turn same-name words. Otherwise either Rona, or Rona, could be in for some legislation against them cohabitating the same name space.

Why yes, that is degrading. Profiling doesn’t work

2006-08-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

I never know who I’ll find in The Alliance of Free Blogs lurking with hatred and misdirected rage:

“Well yes, I really CAN think of something more degrading and humiliating for an American citizen to go through.. [pictures shown of people jumping from WTC on 9/11]”

Are you referring to you using their dying moments as propaganda for racial profiling of brown people in airports? Beause yeah, I think that’s possibly more degrading than being racially profiled.

–

Further to the discussion over the pro-racism cartoon at the above link, is UncleMeat’s suggestion that racial profiling is better than the status quo. I think it works too, but in a different way than the intention of the profilers. It ends up radicalizing those subjected to inequal treatment. It took “radicals” in both the black, and women demographics to enact changes over decades in regions where they recieved starkly different institutional treatment due to their appearance. It’s just common sense that if all Canadian Muslims are subjected to state sponsored racism, there will be massive resentment and protest [and even terrorism] generated against Canada. If you think we’re threatened now when we haven’t even done anything formally wrong to Muslims, just wait until we treat them all like we treated Japanese Canadians during World War II.

Here’s my suggestion:

The vast majority of terrorists are men, so we should start profiling everyone with a penis at the airports. Radical Muslims can take off their turban, but men can’t remove their PENIS. That’s just good sense. This is no time for political correctness! Men are killers. People are dying on planes because of male acts of terrorism every day! Well, maybe more like every 5 years, but if you divide the number of dead with the number of days between incidents, it averages out to about a person a day in the world!

Just look at the world’s known terrorists, they are all men. Osama Bin Laden, Timothy McViegh, Saddam Hussien, Cat Stevens, John Tesh, Steve Urkel, and Khan. Forget putting resources into preventing hundreds of thousands from dying in earthquakes and tsunamis, because the real threat is male shoe bombers. As a member of the guilty sex, I’ll happily submit to unfair searches on the street or in airports so that when people see me being searched by police they’ll know they are safe.

Sewing On A Plane Never again will I be allowed to sew in first class on Air Canada, because I might poke everyone to death with my intense male killing rage against whatever radical cause it is I’m passionate about that day. There’s nothing worse than Sewing On A Plane in this post 9/11 world.

Favourites Icon creation

2006-08-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

Here are some instructions on how to add a shortcut icon to your Blogger blog. Thanks to Arcologist for these hints:
--
...added a line like the following to the "head" section of my blog template:
{link rel="SHORTCUT ICON" href="http://www.mydomain.com/myicon.gif"}
Of course replace the url with whatever applies in your case. There are more detailed instructions here, which will make your icon acceptable to Microsoft, if you want to be bothered figuring out how to create your icon in the .ico format.
--

The gif or bmp needs to be 16X16 pixels too I think.

My blog was broken, so I'm posting here

2006-07-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

My blog broke today. Don't ask me why, it just did. Now it's working again, and I have nothing to write there. So I wrote this here instead.

Damien just call me Damien... or Cornelious whatever

2006-06-17T05:42:00.000-07:00

Well I havent had a lot of time to write stuff lately, as just about everything I have been trying to do has gone so horribly wrong its unbelevable.

Trying to get new glasses has been fun.

I got up to get my paycheck early in the morning. went into work grabbed it and went to my bank, Whose ATM was down. I couldnt deposit it there, and I couldnt go inside because they open after my apointment. So I went down to another Credit Union and made use of there ATM. Little did I know that this meant there would be a hold on my check.

Then I went to the optometrist. and found out that there had been a little misunderstanding with the apointment time. As opposed to 9:10 like it said on the card, and that im sure I had heard her say, it was 10 and no earlyer because they only open at 10.

At 10 I go in, get my eyes tested and go to pay for the frames I had already discussed, and find out there going to be almost 150 dollars more than origionally quoted. So after dealing with one of the bitchiest sales associates of all time (who couldnt understand that SHE wasnt there at the time I had been given my written quote and wouldnt know what transpired). But shortly after that I decided this price was way unreasonable and left.

Later that day when I tried to make a withdrawl at an ATM and make a few purchaises, I learnt that I had 7 dollars available after paying for my optometrists appointment. FUN TIMES

The next day I was driving into work when the SUV in front of me slammed on its brakes. Which is no problem I drive a Metro, it stoppes like nothing else. But the person behind me didnt and entirely avoided noticing that i had come to a full and complete stop untill the hood of his car had rammed the rear of mine. (This all wouldnt have been too much of a problem, Its a Metro Designed with Million Dollar Ass Technology) But the force of the impact caused me to hit the SUV in front of me. This naturally put 50 percent of the blame on me.

Autopac has told me that I should have been 3 car legnths behind the vehicle when I stopped, and kept my feet hard on the brakes dispite the fact that I had finished stopping and was in the process of starting to drive again.

Im going to pause my tale for a moment here to reflect upon the world in autopacs eyes. Imagine driving home in rush hour traffic, Your car staying a full 12 meters behind the vehicle in front of you the vehicle in front of you 12 meters behind the guy hes following and so on. All the while staying hard on the brake so you dont hit anyone.

THINK OF THE GAS BILLS, THINK OF THE REPAIRS TO THE BRAKES
BREAK FAILURE WOULD EFFECT 50% OF CARS DAILY OR MORE!!!
WE WOULD BE PAYING FOR ALL THE FUEL TO WORK WITH ALL THAT EXTRA FRICTION!! GLOBAL WARMING. STRIP MINING FOR PARTS!!! GAAHH!

So I decided it was my civic duty to fight it, that and I dont want to pay my deductable.

So how are we all doing then?

2006-06-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

Creekside: So how are we all doing then?

Terrorism can't hurt us if we talk about it constantly. And think about it all the time. And make TV News specials about it.

Lectures on Everything: Things to Avoid, Part 446

2006-05-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

Lectures on Everything: Things to Avoid, Part 446
Everyone loves a fart joke, right? This one had me laughing my, well, butt off.

Stupid bird I cant wait for Climate Change To Kill you!

2006-05-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought your car was safe

Okay so one of the downsides of driving a car like mine, Is that you have to protect it from larger predators. Like mine for instance is coming up against the bird that has comandeered our driveway for its own sinister goals.

Yes thats right a bird is threatening my car, They do that! Look ill probably upload pictures on thursday! Seriously! Every morning that bird puffs itself up all big and stands in the way of my car! and when I get out to kick its ass! Its all like "ohh I have a broken wing have pity"! I SHOULD PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY!

Next time a bird lays eggs on my driveway im selling them on ebay!

Welcome to Windahar

2006-05-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Windahar
There is a war being waged between militant cyclists, and oil input providers. Clearly squeegee kids are battling the providers of oil, and thus a back-of-car-service vs. front-of-car-service war is being fought in the vehicle service industry. Who will prevail? My money is on the ones with control of the military. I predict full oil tanks, and dirty windshields this Summer.

Shortest Blog Ever

2006-05-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

Shortest Blog Ever
My latest creation is perhaps the most useless contribution to the blogosphere, in the world. Practically devoid of content, the blog will only ever have one entry, and it will be the shortest entry possible, while still conveying many possible meanings, and a friendly greeting too.

If you can create a shorter blog, I dare you to try. Perhaps we can start a new fad of concise, short blogs, with only one entry.

"Sex is not for the youth"

2006-05-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

blevkog: Sex is not for the youth
Apparently, telling kids not to have sex is like putting a chastity belt on them for how effective it is.

The New Fad Of Face Loss

2006-05-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

AAAhhhggh It Burns!

Have you heard of something like this? A face cream/ breath mint/body wash/floor cleaner containing "pure oxygen"? Well its the latest fad. The question to ask now is if you take a pure substance and combine it with another one is it still pure?

The answer of course is no! Purity means by defanition that it contains nothing else. But I guess if you want to go by there (aka the wrong) defanition, everything is pure to some degree or another if you factor out everything else.

But I was more concerned when I saw a face cream that claimed to contain LIQUID OXYGEN! which vaporizes on contact, causing a deep clean, clensing action. I of course find this frightening. Oxigen becomes a gas at somewhere around -250 C therefore puting this stuff on your face might... well... hurt. If you want an idea of what it might do to you start watching spiderman. Specifically the one when the "spider slayers" return and see how spidey uses liquid oxygen.

Of course since I know your not going to ill just tell you. IT IS POURED ONTO METAL BARS UNTILL THEY BECOME SO BRITTLE THEY SNAP! JUST LIKE YOUR FACE IF YOU APPLY LIQUID OXYGEN! you should of course watch it anyway. Because spiderman is cool.

so use caution when applying your acne creme, unless you want to give into the new fad. Face loss.

Intelligent design. Its better than the alternatives

2006-05-13T04:20:00.000-07:00

Today I laugh for I have seen the greatest evidence of intelligent design ever. A) If a creator could create us with so many flaws, than he must not be very good at it. (or it could be a rush job, I mean he could have had too much to drink the nite before and had to make up for it) B) he created us in his own image. Therefore WE must be bad creators, as evident in our society and the products we manufacture.

So today I will attempt to write a rare, incredibly difficult, triple article chewing out the manufacturers of stupid products knowing full well that I am too lazy to do any better.

So here it goes...

Ok..

Gillette has a new razor, It has evolved through the scientific process known as adding. First there was the straitrazor. It worked, but you could kill yourself. Then they invented that encased razor blade thingy, And there was much rejoice. But soon companys were looking for an edge. And they did this by adding another blade and then another, And before you knew what was going on, you had the Gillette Mach 3. This prompted the people at schick to add another blade of there own, thus creating the Quatro. And now after months of tedious calculations and billions of dollars R and D to invent the Gillette Fusion. A razor with five blades on the shaving side. BUT WHAT IS THIS? In order to throw Schick off there trail they have added another blade to the back, Possibly because having 5 blades is too difficult to navigate. You know the top scienticians at Schick are just scratching there heads trying to figure this one out. IS IT FIVE BLADES OR SIX?!? DO WE NEED TWO MORE BLADES OR THREE?!? You just know theyll be coming out with the new Schick Sextillian or something like that. Things are starting to resemble ancient African throwing knives here I mean come on!

Next I feel like (again) directing my aggression at Ford. Who in a recent ad claimed to manufacture several million Different types of F150s. They do this because "Choice is a Right, Not a privilege" What if I want to chose to drive a fuel efficient vehicle? Well then I guess I chose not to buy one of there giant trucks.But this brings a slight problem to mind, namely that there probably arent that many trucks out there, let alone F150s which isnt even the only truck FORD manufactures. Granted they go right down to rims and tires. So according to them, and my new toyos, I have a Moded car.

Damn I forgot the third thing...

What was it again?

Oh yeah! The allaway safety Knife! a Box cutter incapable of cutting through anything but the most feeble of boxes. A blade so short it cannot puncture layered plastic wrap. Yet you should see what it can do to your hand. Thats right I cut myself with a safety knife, Yknow those scissors you got in school when it was craft time? This knife is the "safety scissors" of the knife industry. cant cut paper but you should see what it can do to a hand. were talking 2 inch gash, 3 stitches and (according to a doctor) 7 days off work. Of course I went to work on modified duties so it wasnt as bad as all that, but it was still pretty bad. Allaway mabey you should consider idiot proofing those knives a little better.

Just when you think you have stupid and pointless down, Someone does this!

2006-05-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

I have seen possibly the most useless thing ever, and you would never be able to even be able to grasp how stupid some of the stupid things ive seen have been. You may think you can. But trust me you cant.

Im talking about Microsoft Dancer Plus LE. This is a program that comes with new HP computers. When you open Windows Media Player it automatically launches Microsoft Dancer Plus To dance on your screen. The version we have is, Of course only the shareware version, after youve seen it they expect you to buy it!

Big mistake letting us see it. Our version came with 2 dancers, Ballroom and pop. The pop dancer had Saskboy saying "I could dance like that I just dont want to" Right up untill the program started crashing and she grew a few extra arms. Some great quality.

But really the only use I could see for this is as a Porn Delivery System. Not that we dont have enough of em. But whats one more.

What do You get When you Cross Junkyard Wars and Pimp my Ride

2006-05-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

So after several years of car ownership I thought it might be time to give up the bland stilings of my 1999 Geo Metro. Thats right im in the market.

No im not buying a new car! Im giving up the bland stilings of my Metro, for the awesome new style of a Pimped Metro. Over this summer I will be adding flashy parts and shiny things to my car. So gradually that at a glance you wont notice. BUT! Soon my masterpiece will be complete with all new (albiet cheap) useless flare. Im starting with the basics... pearlescent windshield wipers. From there ill move to my side view mirrors. I hope to have fog lights some more stereo components and a tachometer. Id like someday to have flames on it.

Dont ask why, the answers may frighten you.

Thats A Stupid Name, Youre Stupid

2006-05-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

This sort of thing just wouldnt cut it

Now Im sure as always your entirely clueless as to what im ranting about. Cars. Im talking about cars, and the mass stupidity behind there names. Now that Chevy manufactures there new HHR (like her without the vowely goodness) Yknow why they had to use the letters. Heres why.

DUDE 1-Dude that is one fly looking car

DUDE2-Its my new HHR! its off the fo shizzle

Dude1-her what?

DUDE2- No man its my Heratige High Roof from Chevrolet Yo!

Thats how these people talk right? meh it dosent matter!

Heratige High Roof? Thats a car name? But this is the stupid new trend with american cars. Thats just one of em. The other method is to just stick a random number on it, like 300 or 5000 (In europe the numbers have to stand for something). But do you remember when you were like 5 or 7 or whatever and some stupid kid would come up to you and say are you PT? so you say no, and they say, youre not potty trained. YES IM REFERING TO THE PT CRUISER! Yknow what im talking about here? Then youve got how many cars named GT? (like gut but again no vowel) Just remember when you start your own car company that Street Racing Technology is already used.

I remember when cars had names like Metro or Swift or Firefly, Sprint And that was just for one car!

Risky Bet

2006-05-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

Okay so I dont know about all you other provinces but manitoba is forecasted to have a hot dry summer. Seems possible, but I was concerned by the fact that the people publishing this say that theres only a 45% chance that we will have a hot and dry summer.

This seems like a somewhat risky bet. The fact that were more likely to NOT have a hot and dry summer seems to take away from the value of there prediction. I would wager my $6.49 paycheck that we WONT have a hot dry summer. I think it will either be wet or cool. Personally I want both.

Why, you may ask? Well Winnipeg has a mosquito problem. Winnipeg also sprays with malathyon. This is giving people a placebo effect. Mosquito levels in Winnipeg rise and fall along with those elsewhere in the province regardless of what is sprayed into the air. Why do we spray with malathyon?

ITS A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY

The Government wants this chemical in our bodies for a reason! Why? Isnt it obvoius? Mind Controll! If they can get us used to being doused in toxic chemicals on a regular basis they can get us to do anything!

Think about it! Fossil Fuel reserves are still heading towards depletion. The automotive industry will be devastated when this happens unless we find an alternative fuel. Hydrogen? well that would work, But then Kyoto would win! The answer?

Our bodies produce an alternative form of fuel. You know the one I mean. If we get used to the chemicles than whats to stop us from getting used to the tubes used to collect these fuels! Think about it! Not too hard. You might hurt yourself.

Im In Style Today

2006-05-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

Im not lazy, its a holiday.

Today im in style. Thats right, Not wearing pants is cool. Its International No Pants day. Its an actual holiday to help free people from what may very easily be holding them back. There pants. charities are asking people to take off there pants and donate them to the salvation army.

ahh what a great day.

Reid What Is Your Motivation

2006-05-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

My Spider Sense Is All Thingly

So when I looked over the free press' Have Your Say section I noticed something odd. A letter. But not just any letter, I mean those happen all the time this letter was a little off. It said.

Thank you, Stephen Harper

Thank you, Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Thank you for an honest budget that relies on fact, not smoke and mirrors. Thank you for helping my family with day-care costs. Thank you for supporting our troops the way they deserve. that you for lowering my taxes. Thank you for being a real leader.

REID WOODS

St. Andrews

I thought this guy must be an idiot because in a year or two this guy is going to be screwed out of his child care money, will realise that he lacks the money continue spending to make use of his tax rebate and that OUR soldiers arent getting the support they deserve, that our new government wont even lower the flag unless a local boy is killed. Then I picked up another paper at work, Same letter. and another later that day too. Now these werent even the same printer, I mean the Free Press and The Sun are about as opposite as redneck media comes. The fact that someone just Mass E-mailed all the papers I look at leads me to beleve that he would mass E-mail more papers, Possibly to try to lead some supportive sheep to his way of thinking. Couldnt be anything else, come on Harper is so against gay marrage, of course that could just be a cover. They say most homophobes are actually closet gays.

Council of Evil?

2006-05-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

I am not a ghoul This is Chocolate

So apparently my partner in crime will be coming in from his bunker in Saskatchewan. My parents arent in so I cant tell them, and I know my mom will want to clean first. So I could;

A) Clean the house a little to aleveate her tensions over the "mess" or,

B) What is much more likely, ill do what im going to do anyway. Go for a walk in the yard with skin ripped from sheep draped over my back eating the head of a rabbit. (keep in mind easter just came and went)

Besides its not like im a nice law abiding basement dweller. I violate the CCC all the time (Criminal Code of Canada) But only the stupid laws. I havent killed anyone yet. YET.

My most commom offence of course of Sec. 296 of part 8. That would be Blasphemous Libel. THATS RIGHT ITS A CRIME TO BE A BLASPHEMER. Only if you piss off christians though, those "political cartoons" a while back wouldnt apply because they offended muslims.

Now as far as I know we are the only western democracy to have such laws and thats COUNTING the USA as a democracy (they can vote it just dosent count).

OUR SOCIETY HAS FAR TOO MANY UNENFORCED LAWS. Its not up to us to decide which laws to enforce and I demand to be arrested as such. Come on it would be hilarious. What are you in for? I accused priests of being posessed.

Im going to turn myself in.

Oh Ye of Little Faith

2006-05-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

CANT STOP THE EATING!!

Wendys resturant has a new ad campaign saying "its only a deal if you want it". There latest ad claims that I wouldnt want four litres of Poutine for the price of two. OF COURSE I WOULD! I cant stop eating! Im wasting away here! I used to be 240 pounds! Look at me now!

For the love of god my protean levels were drained so much from this that I had to go make myself some eggs. 3, Covered in cheese, I was dissapointed by the lack of meat. (My body is not as fuel efficient as some cyclists may think). Of course they also dont consider the fact that I might know other people who also like melted cheese and gravy. They also think that a Litre of beverage is too much. I DRANK 1.3L OF SLURPEE LAST NIGHT, THAT WAS MY SECOND SLURPEE THAT DAY. Ok so technically it was a Petro-Can Cool Stop frosen beverage but same damned thing.

Wendys your food is too small for a growing 20 year old boy like me and forever there establishment will be devoid of my business. (and thats a shame because im a big eater)

You put the What in the Where now?

2006-05-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

Do-It-Yourself computers are going to be sold at Walmarts across America. Building your own computer isn't very hard, people have been doing it since the late 1970s. But not everyone has as good a tutor as I did when I was 12, and so I can see problems coming up that might seem humourous to experienced builders.

I can see it now:
Customer - "The computer memory won't upgrade."

Walmart - "What was the problem?"

Customer - "I put it inside the CDROM drive and didn't get any more hard drive space."

Walmart - "Alrighty then."

If you don't get the joke, I'll be happy to explain it to you.

Charging Bison Hidden Cyclist

2006-05-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

800LBS OF STEEL 5KPH YOU DO THE MATH

Now our armed forces are going to be in trouble when the reservists there training here are put into active duty. Kids on bikes disrupt military was the headline of the Press today. Ok so I understand that our army is using blanks here, but that wont stop them from being able to shoot people, they would just have to be closer, how well do you think reservists can shoot anyway.

They had to call in the police as the Bicyclists, claiming to belong to the militant group Critical Mass, Were impeding traffic. At least 7 cyclists were hauled off in a "pattywagon" and were issued something like 3 tickets each.

The difference between terrorists and protesters? Protesters complain when they get arrested for breaking the law, (terrorists are usually unable to). The Protesters (seen stoping traffic through a green) are complaining about police brutality as the were froced to the ground and handcuffed. oh one guy was allegedly put in a headlock.

Yknow what I say to that? GOOD! Its funny, and a word of advice to you guys, if you block my way trough a green light Im going to be crashing into you with 800 pounds of steel at like 5KPH, MOVE. I have no problem with cyclists on the roads (well I do but I realise we dont have bike paths and THATS what bothers me) but they have to behave like they belong there.

Are You Wearing Dog or Cat Fur? How would you know?

2006-05-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

My Underwear is cotton.

In between the weather and underneath an ad for the new ford fusion there is an ad for the Fur-Bearer Defenders. A new team of superheroes who protect cats and dogs from being ruthlessly slaughtered to make fur clothing and accessories. They ask the question how would you know if your wearing dog or cat fur. Well for one I dont have any fur clothing. Also at the current time Im barely wearing ANY clothing short of some cotton boxer-briefs. They might have gotten a little cat hair on em but that cat was hardly ruthlessly slaughtered, dispite what she may say. Shes just old thats all. Cat and dog fur is rarely if ever used to make clothing. and when it is, the fur in question comes from animals from the humane society who had to be put down. If you want to protect animals. Let them live freely eating your garbage and mauling your children.

The only animal product I wear is my leather jacket.

How many cows died to make that jacket?

None this is sheep skin.

How many sheep died making it then?

None they dont know how to work the machines.

Besides I dont like sheep that much cows either. Dont trust em.

WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! again!

2006-05-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

Jumping on the bandwagon

Its official, NASA has announces that the Comet breaking up nerby will produce no harmfull interfearence with life on earth. Sounds like a government coverup to me. So im jumping on the Impending-doom-bandwagon and I predict we will all be Killed horribly by flaming balls of, whats a comet made of? ICE?!? Killed horribly by flaming Balls of ice! Unless you do something to protect me.

Has anyone here seen Dr. Strangelove? Thats right we need mineshafts. So send money to The Life Of BRex Save your Ass From Extinction plan today. Your donation will help ensure the human races survival. Granted once we leave the mineshafts we will need to help repopulate the human race, so naturally we will need a high ratio of women to men. This will of course end the manogomus relationship as we know it, but this is the price you pay for survival. So all you women out there who wouldnt date me unless I was the last man on earth, todays your lucky day!

Does Stephen Harper eat babies?

2006-05-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

A BCer in Toronto: Does Stephen Harper eat babies?
A Toronto transit system seems to think so.

Im Back possibly to kill you all!

2006-05-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

You cant burn down the digital fort

So I guess your all wondering why I dissapeared, well I didnt, I went on hiatus. All the famous people are doing it.

But I havent been online in a long time, I mean I had over 700 e-mails to delete. I just passed the 500 mark. WOO. But anydangway I figured I need to start doing this thing again for my own health and safety. And for the benefit of the people rioting in the street that I casually glanced over in the paper and assume was on my behalf.

But many thanks to SaskBoy for keeping the fort going and not burning it down and many thanks to all the loyal fan who stuck with me and continues reading dispite the absence of comedy.

But now that im back and will soon be done with all the FWD:'s and other spam, and finished this cursed dungeonman game i can type again. Not well. But this keyboard wont fail me now

Hassenpfeffer: Star Trek lives!

2006-04-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

Hassenpfeffer: Star Trek lives!
The Star Trek franchise is getting an 11th movie for 2008. I can't wait.

Light and fluffy piece about a piece of poop

2006-04-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Ann Coulter must crave bad attention because she says the stupidest things that someone could think of. I'm afraid she believes what she says though.

Missing BRex

2006-04-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

BRex seems to have gone AWOL from the Blogosphere. If anyone has seen him, please return him in mint condition.

The Galloping Beaver: From Canadian Embassy in DC: CanadianAlly.com is legit

2006-04-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

The Galloping Beaver: From Canadian Embassy in DC: CanadianAlly.com is legit
Connect to Canada and the CanadianAlly.com sites offered by the Canadian Embassy in Washington are valuable tools in the education of Americans about Canada. In Washington there are no local news sources that talk about Canada, so when a liar goes on Fox News and spreads myths about Canada, there is a dependable source Americans can rely on for their facts about their greatest ally.

April Fools

2006-04-01T12:05:00.000-08:00

Pamela Anderson is in the news since she’s hosting the Juno music awards in a day or two, and has been pressing Stephen Harper to meet with her in order to club him with a baby seal, or something like that. Details are sketchy, but the word on the street is that Harper is considering her offer if she promises not to make any more TV programs.

Poetry? What's that?

2006-03-21T19:35:00.000-08:00

I had some musical uninspiration so I wrote a poem while listening to a CD. I think my poem turned out pretty well, I can almost see a famous rock band recording it one day:

Takin’ Care of Business
I’m lisenting to a CD
This poem will not quite rhyme
Cause I can’t listen and write!

There’s a whistle up above us,
If you ever get ignored,
I’ll be takin’ care of business,
And workin’ overtime!

If you get in with the right bunch of fellows,
You might write a lot better than I,
Every day!
It’s all mine!

If this poem to you
Seems to be too unglued
Don’t blame me,
Blame you know who.

Swerve Left

2006-03-14T09:57:00.000-08:00

Swerve Left
A cartoon demonstrating the illegal wiretap process in the United States.

Would it surprise anyone if something like this were happening here in Canada?

Starve or go dancing?

2006-03-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

Here's a good description of how not to sign up to be a male escort in Regina. Maybe calling in front of the co-workers is a good idea though?

The new Pufferfish Defence System

2006-03-10T11:48:00.000-08:00

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FISH!

Well Mercedese-Benz has put a its new Bionic Car into the concept phaze (actually they did this a long time ago I just though I would bring it up) It sports more room better fuel consumption and drag so low its never before been achieved by a, uuhhh freeking weird looking car. It was modeled after the lowly boxfish, a cube like fish known for its rediculously tiny fins and its ability to puff up to frighten its foes. It also uses the boxfishes body plate design to keep frame rigidity without the weight.

Now this sounds alot like the Pufferfish Defence System I was pitching for small cars everywhere. People like there SUVs because they feel confident that idiots arent going to ram them based on the relative damadge to the vehicles in the accident. Little do they know that they are idiots who will colide with other, smaller, cars on the road. Because there idiots.

How does the Pufferfish Defence System stop this? Well, at the first sign of a threat the small car can, using a series of inflatable airbags on the extirior of the vehicle, puff itself up to sizes slighty bigger than any SUV on the road. Then, Mostly because there idiots, the tiny brain of the SUV driver will regester BIGGER VEHICLE, and will trigger the Swirve To Avoid Death instinct. Preventing damadge to the car in this confrontation.

Seriously it would be the greatest invention since... Uhh... one of those sonic knives you see on T.V. (it sonically seperates your food) Of course youd have to get cloth that resembles metallic paint (it can be done) and you would need an air compressor and some tanks to properly inflate the car every time. seriously though I have it all worked out, even a spring retraction system for the grill.

DAY OFF!!

2006-03-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

OW! ow ow ow OW!

Today is my day off, and im not getting out of bed. Well not untill after 2 anyway, by that time hunger should have overpowered exaustion and I may get up eat and watch Home Movies (the tv show). For those of you familiar with this show, Im here and I have a poem all locked and loaded. It goes like this

OW! ow ow ow OW!
OW! aaaagghh OW!

This is how I felt when I tried to get up at 9, and to a lesser extent 11, Yesterday I loaded 2 dishwashers, 2 refridgerators and one water heater that claimed to weigh 90kg, into customers cars. Not just that there was the usual assortment of ceramic tiles laminate floors concrete drywall and lumber.

I after all that went to school. I was about passing out tired and this morning im stiff my brain hurts and I dont want to move, and I wont. I got my wireless keyboard andmy nice warm bed and I need nothing else. Except perhaps some alcohol!

Pop your music hunger

2006-03-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

Still on the hunt.

Legitimate music downloads are had comeby. I guess it has something to do with my taste, because if I liked hiphop or rap I wouldnt be in this mess. Of course im still in this mess for the same reason I dont eat mushrooms. I DONT LIKE IT!

I noticed on a box of Pizza Pops that they were giving away free music downloads. I normally buy the No Name brand (because im a cheap bastard) but I figured if it would get me another track or two onto my list I could afford the brand name markup. Well I think the No Name ones were better. They tasted like A) they were made with more love and B) like they had spent less time thawing in a truck, but I guess they met minimum standards for edible.

Of course when I signed onto the Pilsbury brand music downloads site I found that they had a... questionable selection of rock. Who out there has heard of a band called Metallica? Well aparently Pilsbury hasnt, or Korn, theyve heard of Motley Crue, but apparently not of there songs because they have a pathetic tiny selection.

Oh wait, there they are, after listing the tracks on the cd they have an advertisement for one of there products. Then underneith the music genre selection menu, they have a legend as to the meanings of there simbols. and under THAT they have the complete song list. No of course not in alphabetical order, they list it in the order it appers on the CD. Because of course were going to know what Track number the song we heard on the radio is on the CD we dont own. Of course im sure there catering to those people who want to buy the songs they already own.

Lets take for example My Humps by Black Eyed peas, its been #1 in the music download world for a while now. If I select black eyed peas as my band it takes me to a list of there albums in... possible drunken random order as seen below.

Monkey Business
Elephunk
Elephunk
Bridging the gap
Behind the front
Bridging the gap
Bridging the gap (warehouse value added)
and finally Dont phunk with my heart!

There is no logical way to get seperate repeats in an organized list. But anyway it had to be in the first one because pop songs go out of style... and... Its track 5, it didnt make the list. Actually because of a page loading error it didnt make ANY list it was stuck out in the middle of nowhere and I missed it the first time. So if I try to preview it I get a window with some jumpy volume bars that says PREVIEW, and silence. I thought that song was about BOOBS.

But ill take a little Crue anyday so I guess ill survive. So long as I have my blog to vent on.

We care so much well take care of it... next year

2006-03-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

Now THATS dedication

So I saw on the news that the crash test ratings are out in the open and stirring up quite the hassle at some companys. Ford mostly.

The new Ford Fusion has receved the LOWEST rating in its class out of all the cars there you are most likely to die in a Ford Fusion. Thats good publicity.

Now we here at Life of BRex want you to know that dispite having adds for this vehicle we are in no way affiliated with Ford, and actually dislike them. They are paid advertisements and we do not support the claims and or products, if fact if you ask us we will most likely deny it.

This may not come as a shock to you but Ford has already prepaired and announced that next years model will come with side impact airbags and better safety features all around, thats there commitment to safety.

BMW is designing cars that cushion the force of impact in ways we never even though of before, so is Lexus, Honda is designing cars that minimize padestrian injurys so that EVEN IF YOU RUN SOMEONE DOWN THEY WILL HAVE A CHANCE, thats probably why Pete likes his BMW. and Ford, Fords commitment to safety is improving it so they no longer rank last.

They of course didnt say they would improve it untill AFTER they stressed that it met all international minnimum requirements for safety. The Pinto passed those requirements and it exploded when you rear ended it. Wait wasnt that also a Ford?

THATS there commitment to safety!

Whenever a company shopping cart is threatened...

2006-03-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

Wherever someone was run off the road... and I happen to be driving by!

Yesterday I rescued a shopping cart from certain... rust. It was left in the parking lot of the Wal-mart next door and there plow had pushed it into the ditch. It wasnt easy. Thanks to our mild temperatures the snow around it had melted and frozen it in place, but since I walked all the way down there I figured I couldnt turn back, I chizeled it out using my store issue box cutter. I then had to sprint across the parking lot back to our store in time to lift a hot water heater into the back of a customers truck. I think they have me do it because its so funny, yknow im skinny as hell and handling all the lifting for people, sometimes twice my size.

I think that may be why they keep me around period. That and because im too damned pretty to fire, but mostly because I entertain.

I mean where would they be without the daily comedy stilings of BRex, well probably right where they are now, BUT THEYD BE BORED! I mean im so wicked cool, with my apron glitter (now with more stars), and my new detailed work Knife (the racing stripes make it go faster) and of course theres always something stupid to say. and you gotta have stupid!

Of course im kidding, I think they keep me on because of the whole, going above and beyond style of work I do. Even when im not working. This evening I saw a girls whose car was run off the road by a truck (hell ive been there it sucks). So I turned around and picked her up and took her to the city. She actually thanked me, I dont get that alot. Last summer I saw a girl whose car ran out of gas, so I pushed it a block and a half to a gas station (it was a metro like mine so it wasnt that hard) and can you guess what she said? Screw off because im not going to screw you! Im still amazed when people thank me for such simple little things.

So that brings me to wonder what the hell is wrong with everyone else! I mean I practically automatically open doors for people, and I always feel so bad when I avoid helping people who need it. And yet (only according to management, the other employees and customers love me) I apparently do such a bad job. So bad in fact there moving me out of my department, to load vehicles. Dispite being told im amazingly helpfull, usefull, and even on one occasion the best service a customer has ever had, I am not good enough for my job. Of course everyone who dosent matter (Positionwise i need customers to validate my existance and my coworkers are for the most part really great people) thinks im doing a superheroic job. The department im being transfered into is overjoyed to have me, so Ill still be appreceated at least, Which is always nice for us Superheroic lot attendants.

Donor Cycle licensing sounds easy

2006-03-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine asked if I knew the learners test for a motorcycle license is only 3-5 questions.
$10 to write a 5 question test.
Here's my best guess as to the questions:
1.Can you ride a bike
2. Do you have a bike
3. Do you have a helmet
4. Do you know the number for 911
5. Have you signed your organ donor card?

You can thank Saskatchewan for your day and night

2006-03-02T16:34:00.000-08:00

I think the Saskatchewan In Motion campaign is actually a SaskPower plot to keep the world revolving the proper way, by getting everyone to walk west into Alberta? That ensures the earth keeps spinning you know...

Someone else who thinks I might be on to something.

I'm a lumberjack and Im OK.. I guess.. If i have to

2006-03-01T20:06:00.000-08:00

Seriously, Lumberjack

Well today was fun. I got up and loaded half of my sisters earthly posessions into my dads van, had breakfast, and then loaded up the other half. I then decided that since Its springtime (or so they tell me on the radio) id better play some need for speed to get that out of my system(It took 15 police cruisers to stop me) . I had to get it out of my system because the roads were slow going. We got the first big snowfall of march. (15CM as of now and another 10-15 coming) On the way in it wasnt too bad, the limit was pushing it in places but 90 was fine.

My payment for all of this? My sisters advice on a shirt. It was plad (or Plaid or whatever). Its the latest in lumberjack fashion. To keep me warm in this brutally cold Canadian Tundra! Or while moving boxes into a new apartment or something. Anyways its warm and I think its hilarious.Im going for the WORLDS SKINNIEST LUMBERJACK award!

The drive back was fun. Going about 50 you'll always see those idiots who blow by you at idiot speeds (sometimes you see em in the ditch later on but usually you only get to flip em the bird). Its especially a pain in the ass when your on two lane highways. Yknow where you have the slow lane for rational people to drive, and you have the snow lane, where pickup trucks semi trailers and the like can blast snow in your face, blinding you as to where your going.

And in that van, I could probably take the first ones. What, I have a face no jury would convict! and a cool new Plaid.(for all those hot lumberjack styles)

Happy 1 month anniversary to me!

2006-02-28T21:15:00.000-08:00

Huzzah for Meaningless milestones!

Well its official, Ive been a "professional writer" for a month now. Without being shut down by the establishment. Or assaulted by the religious right, Who I greatly enjoy pissing off and insulting.

Ive had over 700 hits in this month and I think thats pretty damn good for a ex-highschool dropout rambling senselesly and now that I have those ads up and running ive made a whopping 73 cents. So that raises a few questions, WHERES MY CAKE, I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE CAKE and of course WHY ISNT THERE CAKE!

Well its been a good month for senseless rambling, and I couldnt have done it without you guys. Aww who am I kidding its all me. CAKE!

Im not apologising

2006-02-28T14:47:00.000-08:00

Yea W/E

That photo below got shrunk so its now posted in halves

Here And Here

Didnt bother to rescan or anything
leave me alone im lazy
oh and Be cool E-mail Ford or something like that

Once in a lifetime

2006-02-28T12:11:00.000-08:00

WHY IS MURDER NOT LEGAL!

Every once in a while I get so pissed off by the things that I see in the news or in the world that I just cant contain my rage. This is trowing a brick through Tom Fords windshield mad, but ill explain why that in a few paragraphs.

How do ou see our city? (Winnipeg) was the headline of the paper today. Apparently some idiots in Toronto feel the need to get rid of any Winnipeg subscriptions to the globe and mail and produced a three page rant about why Winnipeg is a lost cause. I for one see the glass half full on this city, and not smashed all over the floor. It violently attacked our downtown as Mosquito ridden, crawling with panhandlers and tells us the difference between uptown and downtown is so massive that it may be a lost cause.

This isnt a perfect city but its home, and I could do a hellova lot worse than Winnipeg. Hell I could go to Toronto and live among the slanderous fathead writers who work for the globe. Ive been to Toronto and in my few visits to the downtown I have seen more panhandlers than in my YEARS in Winnipeg. Ive never actually SEEN a Squeege Kid in Winnipeg, unlike in Toronto. As for mosquito ridden, I think Lindor Reynolds said it best, yes im quoting Lindor in a positive sence(ill resume hating her later), when she said No grass No trees No mosquitos. Thats true, we have mosquitos, but not in the downtown. We dont have the vegetation to support them during the day, and if you want to complain about the facilities we have downtown you must be some kind of mentally incompotent moron, because we have the MTS centre. A state of the art arena/concert hall that is one of the best IN THE WORLD!!!!! You have a weather tower with an overpriced resturant.

Of course my fondness for the Free Press was rapidly diminishing even as I read there articles defending my home. They still feel the need to sarcastically overkill some already battered canadian figures. Lindor Reynolds targeted Todd Bertuzzi. In fact she opened her article with an attack calling him Canada's biggest cheap shot artist. I think hes done nothing that half the NHL hasnt done and as long as its only a problem if an injury is involved it is unfair and they should leave him THE HELL ALONE. I also think it was despicable to attack him right when he went away to REPRESENT OUR COUNTRY AT THE OLYMPICS! But again im wandering off topic.

My anger at this subject was greatly ovewhealmed with solid rage towards Tom Ford when I saw his article Empty wombs. It seems the fat old bastard has an opinion on what Canada should do about its aging population. Apparently experts say each woman should spit out 2 kids in order to keep the population stable. Of course damned free will gets in the way of this, and some women of course cant afford children, and we all get upset about those welfare checks.

He discredits Immigration on account of Immigrants tend to be more adult and dont need to go to school and mooch of tax payers. This would result in school closures. He also descredits immigration because large amounts of the population of Toronto think we are accepting "the right amount" of immigrants. Besides that they said that European (AKA white) immigrants make a more positive contribution than Asian or those from the Caribbean. That brings up another point, some Canadians are not too happy about our nation's growing diversity.

!?!?!?!?!?!?

What the hell!?! Okay, In my book you make a contribution to the country by working hard an contributing to the economy. Not by being European. Im European so if I go on welfare and spend it on beer and potato chips untill im a huge burden on the healthcare system, am I doing it better than an asian? Another thing in my book is that if you feel like saying that ANY race is BETTER OR WORSE than any other for the community, you are some kind of racist bastard who shouldnt be allowed the same air as us decent citezens be we White, black, Chinese Blue or bleeping. And if you speak like this FOR THE COUNTRY, that country should be able to make a public example of you to show that you dont speak for us.

If this wasnt bad enough, He goes on to complain about the women who ARE having children. Too many visible minorities are having children! And of course those pesky succesfull well educated buisiness women arent ploping out enough children. Possibly because, being sucessfull buisiness people they dont want to drop there carreer to take care of a child. Of course this cant be my fault because im a man and we cant have children.

OK so as much as id like to see my well trained brick fly through the window of this fat old bastards car, home, or... face, im not going to do it. I am going to encourage you to voice your support for NON RACIST BASTARDS and e-mail the editor of the free press at letters@freepress.mb.ca Please if your a Canadian show that you support immigration. If your not a Canadian show that other parts of the world are progressive people with minds of there own.

To see the actuall article click here and bear with me, it was too big to scan so I did a crappy cut and paste job.

Even you could be a Millionaire!

2006-02-27T09:37:00.000-08:00

All you gotta do is make more money

Great article in the paper today, the free press of course, Even you could be an RRSP millionaire. The whole idea is simple Put away 10 grand annually (aparently possible through intense discipline) and invest it at even a below average rate starting at the age of 25, you could aquire over a million dollars by the time you retire.

Now the canadian government allows you to add 18% of your income to an RRSP that means you would need to be making $56,000 by the time your 25. you would also have to be making enough to pay off your post secondary education, plus your living expenses. Now im in my twenties, OK I AM 20, and I dont make nearly $56,000. Once I finish upgrading my highschool, and go through apprentaceship, I might be making something near that. Most people wont be so lucky, Hell im being optomistic here assuming Ill be making that, but obviously Mr. Reynolds of the free press thinks its perfectly reasonable to be making that kind of money.

This year I could put $2100 into an RRSP. MAX! Of course I couldnt really because I need a car to get to work and it eats away at my income like a rabid squirrel gnawing through your leg. speaking of eating, I pay for food too. I could presumably save a couple hundred but that would mean I stick to eating Sleeping and working, and I would have no money for suprises. Simply put its not possible for most of us. Of course if you think otherwise your quite welcome to post your name and address so I can rob you. I mean... Not... rob you.

But anyway I have to take a shower and then theres a printer in my bed that requires immedeate attention.

Adult Ed, not as good as it sounds

2006-02-26T20:56:00.000-08:00

Its blatant false advertising

Ok when I signed up for adult ed this is not what I expected. I was greatly mislead, This is blatant false advertisement. I am talking of course about the use of Adult in the name.

Adult Education has none of the thrills of say, Adult movies or Live adult entertainment. This education seems to serve the sole purpose of earning me a better transcript as opposed to any of the complex eroticism of other Adult activities.

Why else would anyone wait untill there over 18 to take highschool classes, well yes I of course had other reasons, but for the sake of this publication it was the adult theme. Adult should be "Enhanced by way of Nudity" and I for one think that would greatly improve the quality of my education!

Unfair for who?

2006-02-25T15:44:00.000-08:00

Its really a win, win situation

Vanity Fair recently came out, and while I dont really know what that is, the free press (Being the fine publication that it is) naturally put out an article speaking ill of it. The reason, WOMEN APPEAR NUDE! (that didnt need to be capitalized but I like the way it looks)

I kid you not! Keira Knightley, Scarlett Johansson and Rachel McAdams were hired to do the cover, and they were supposed to appear nude. Rachel McAdams however had second thoughts about exposing her skin in a photograph so they replaced her with Tom Ford. He of course wasnt naked. Now is this sexism? Quite probably! But is it unfair that women can be expected to pose nude? Or is it unfair that there is almost no market for men to!

A woman can expose her breasts at a concert a hockey game a park, just about anywhere actually, and the least she will receve is a cheer she could get a nice big paycheck or if shes lucky (and crazy enough) she could get a lucrative contract from any number of media outlets. She could be set for life. If a man did it hed probably be thrown out on his ass or arrested.

They do this because theres a market. Men like to see women naked. Women like the money they get payed to be naked. publishers like the overhead they get for distributing it. and governments like the tax revenue they get on the sales. and we all like the benefits our government gives us. Men can be objectified too, just usually its done in a more clothes on sort of way. Also men appreceate it when Women find there bodies attractive.

Now I dont think women should have to expose themselves on screen to be famous, and personally I dont think its necesarry, I think its a shortcut. A shortcut that some famous acresses have never taken, Not many mind you, and of course there are actresses that noone would want to see naked, and how could you account for that.

What I want to know is how you can think its unfair for you that you can get paid just to not wear clothes. I do it all the time, I do it when im asleep, hell im in my underwear right now, noones paying me for it. Of course people respect me for my mind. Something most actresses claim to want. Of course most of em either dont or pretend not to have one so... thats there problem, they should get a penname and a blog. Besides it might be nice to be objectified, Noone seems to notice the troubles I go through to look decent in the morning anyway.

One small step for hobby shops, One... Giant leap for EXCRUCIATING BOREDOM!

2006-02-24T21:04:00.000-08:00

Its like having a social life, but without the Uhh... all of it!

Ok so sometimes people wonder why I do the things that I do. Mostly out of boredom. Why do I buy DVDs? Boredom! Why do I write here? Boredom! Hell most of the time I eat out of boredom! But today I reached a new height in nerdly antisocial boredom reduction! I walked into a hobby shop!

Thats right, im building models! I have nothing better to do! And I dont have a girlfriend! OR A REAL SOCIAL LIFE! I dont need em I got models! Besides I seem to live in downtown STUPID so intellegent conversation almost never happens. People should come with warning labels if they dont understand sarcasm! Also if they jog at night wearing all black on streets without lights. We get that here too. But anyway im rambling.

The important thing is that im in desperate need of rescue. Im on my third novel this month (and none of those little pansey novels im talking the full sized ones) and I been writing one of these things every day, AT LEAST and im assembling miniature vehicles (nice ones) With hundreds of tiny peices. Now all this takes brain power. Brain power that could be used elsewhere. Like inventing some sort of new hovercraft, or writing more posts. Or possibly doing uhh.. whats it called? Oh yeah... Socializing. So who out there is brave enough to bite the bullet and TAKE ME TO A MOVIE!

Damn you Traffic Cameras

2006-02-23T04:20:00.000-08:00

They get inside you head those things

So im sure if you live anywhere and drive through a city, you know about these traffic cameras. Yknow right before em they have those signs that mean, slam on your brakes, then once your passed you have to cram the gas pedal to get back up to speed. I mean, I dont do that, I meant other people.

But anyway theres all this talk of the waste of money they are. Millions of dollars more were expected in revenue from these tickets, and they had that money spent! Of course this isnt a total loss, the governing bodies of Winnipeg (AKA Chicklets the mayor) can still say there a success as they have reduced speeding and made the streets safer.

Well I guess they reduced speeding in a few places, but for the most part I see people trying to make up for it in other areas of the city(AKA EVERY NON CAMERA INTERSECTION!). And as for safer, People have to carefully monitor there speed, meaning there eyes are on the dash. So naturally they have an excuse for driving in 3 seperate lanes. Plus seeing that flash just pisses people right off. I mean if a cop pulls you over to ticket you, you have to stay calm, they have tazers. But the camera just makes you mad, and not just at the camera, at other drivers at padestrians, those bike messengers, that fuzzy squirrel running through the street.

Those things are dangerous. They get inside your head and cause serious road rage. THEYVE DONE STUDIES! not about this particulairly. BUT THEY HAVE!

Those damned beer companies

2006-02-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

Its all about the bar brawls

Beer companies, like cigarette companies, are killing there clients one by one. This isnt some lecture about liver failure of alcohol poisoning or uhh, drunk driving. Its about the bottles!

You remember those stubby bottles? No I dont either, But I seen em on T.V.! You ever seen anyone wield one of em in a bottle fight? Of course not, Its virtually impossible to do it, that short neck isnt enough of a handhold and if you slide your hand up the bottle, youll cut yourself when you break it!

You see its all about the beer gangs! Dont laugh! The beer companies dont want there gangs to be underarmed in the event of a bar brawl, and you cant bring knives and guns into a bar, they so dont let you do that!

If beer companies would stop all the hatred for one another then they wouldnt have to put weaponds in the hands of our alcoholics!( FYI that Minhas Creek or whatever only uses cans because they know theyd loose) If they would all just switch back to those stubby bottles the streets would be alot safer. Except for possibly wine bottles... and champagane... wiskey... and the rest.

Bag a lawyer just like Cheney

2006-02-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

National "Be Glad You're not Cheney" Week.
Let me guess, during the week, the population will be encouraged to bag a lawyer to trim the herd down to a less litigious size? Lawyers running across the freeway after ambulances, have bcome a major safety concern around some parts. An open season might be just what nature needs to put things back into balance.

High Pressure Employment

2006-02-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

"Apparently you shouldnt put whipped cream in the toaster"
Truer words were never said

So apparently people expect me to be able to do things. I have recently been asked to help someone move a message board. Problem being, I dont know how to do this. So I figured ok well people move these things all the time, theres probably some sort of help files to tell me what to do. Well there were, it recomended I make an HTML backup and add it to the new, empty, board. Well this went okay untill the point where I tried to enable HTML editing. I dont know how. I cunsulted the FAQ. It told me to contact my Administrator. Okay erm... wait, thats me, since I took the job (well its work but I dont get payed) I was made an administrator.

But I seem to have a knack for these low pay high pressure jobs. This blog is a low pay high pressure job! I mean all these demands, Stop e-mailing me or ill call the cops, Make a new post or ill hate your cousin, Get me some washers for the elliptical machine! It adds up to a ful time job. Ok well I could be exagerating, its more of a extremely part time job, BUT IT TAKES ALOT OF THINKING! The point is you expect me to know things and to do things, and most of you dont even comment. Jerks. If you do comment disregard all this hostility towards you.

Why do I continue to do it? Probably because im a pushover, But if you did want to do something nice for me you should pool your money and possibly buy me that Lotus Elise Ive had my eye on.

Shell is coming!!!

2006-02-20T21:41:00.000-08:00

The Horror!

Last friday when I got my paycheck(and my bonus vacation paycheck $6.49!) I got an enclosed piece of paper with it. I thought nothing of this at first. It is tax time and I have yet to receve a T4 from any of my employers. (ive had 3 this year not counting the time I was on comp) It wasnt. All I got was a threatening memo that said "Desktop shell is coming to your store on FEB. 22/06!" It also told me I needed eLearning #3419 to handle Shell.

What is this new shell, I wondered, and what would it do when it gets here, what are these improved printing capabilities it comes with! Is this some tipe of militairy explosive, a dangerous new person, some kind of vicious animal I need to learn how to handle, or possibly a new computer system that will hog all the resources of our feeble network!

I hope its the vicious animal! Our computers currently run on a MS-Dos baised program. Its fast effective and perfectly simple to use. A new system will be less fast will require hours of training to be as effective and will quite possibly be alot more complex without any new features. Any nessecary to the execution of my job. But for some reason we need this update.

It seems to be that we had the same problem when I worked my last job in the warehouse. The old system of printed picklists allowed me to organize and calculate the most effective way to stack pallets for shiping. But then we got the new WMS (warehouse management system) and it took hundreds of man hours to set up, and well over a hundred hours a day in lost productivity. It also was the root cause of my back injury(more on this later (it involves an ambulance)).

But it seems to be the trend nowadays, Newer is better, even if it is less efficient, and the effective will age and be replaced. MS-Dos has long been replaced, but it never let us down. Thats a heluva lot more than I can say for XP.

The coasts make us look like wimps!

2006-02-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

Quebec? Hell no we should be the ones seperating!

I think central canada should break off to form its own country. Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta some of the terretories too, because we are the ones who truly understand cold. In a recent cold snap across all of southern Canada temperatures in British Columbia reached an all time low this winter of -6. In Manitoba that same night we had temperatures of -28. With windchill it came to -15 amd -42 respectively. On national television there were broadcasts, TO THE NATION, about this cold snap. They were in BC.

If they think its cold they should come down here. I spent last winter in a carwash, by a door, often damp. THAT WAS COLD. Nothing this winter has matched that. Weve gotten to the levels of cold where it is societally acceptable to complain. Nothing Else! Last year we had a bitterly cold winter and I heard about Ontario's cold, which was at all times 10 degrees higher than ours. But worst of all is the impression they have on other people.

These people, who live in Canada, think they have it rough in the winter, I dono probably because they live in Canada, they then tell foregners how they duck into stores when it gets below -20 and how bitterly cold it was last night when it hit -15. This makes the rest of the world think were wimps.

Now im not saying we need to do anything too drastic. I dont care what we do with the government (having a good one would be nice but its not going to happen), what I want is to see on a map COLD CANADA and WARM CANADA so that people know, The coasts dont represent all of us.

The True defenition of manlyness

2006-02-18T20:36:00.000-08:00

Its all about the glitter!

So today, Standing in seasonal, wearing my pants I sewed up myself (Not to well) and my work apron with my name (written in glitter) and some gold stars (also glitter), I was talking to a man, interested in buying some exotic orchids. I think I was right around "Orchids need a high humidity, around 40-70% it depends on the temperature" when it hit me. I truly am manly!

Any man can go without bathing, shaving, or changing his underwear. Anyone can learn how to belch the alphabet and anyone can drive a giant muscle car (provided they have any sort of decent credit). But it takes a real man to see the comedic value of glitter.

Im a man, I have no need to prove it! Well I do look like im 16 and have yet to grow facial hair, but that just saves time in the mornings. Chances are I dont care what you think (Unless your a hot girl, then I do care, I just cant talk to you). I do care what I think, and I think new cars baggy pants and shirts that obviously cost $80 look stupid, I also think my fat pants look funny on me but I dont care to buy all new pants just because I dropped some dress sizes. Besides I already tore one pair of pants at work, I dont want to do that to new pants (Dont get excited it was just the knee). The point is I think functionality is more important than style, and I think its more functional at work to be funny than to broadcast an aura of unclenly ruggedness.

I cook, I sew, I do laundry. I once got yelled at by my last girlfriend for doing HER laundry (AND it was only her work clothes AND she needed them the next day AND she wanted to sleep). The point is all of these things are necessary, so if the fact that im capable of surviving on my own makes me less manly than I guess thats the kind of guy I am. The glittered, Geo driving, Plant... growing kinda guy!

SUV? Isnt that french for Minivan that flips over?

2006-02-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

So how would you like to die?

So you think your safe in your SUV? Keep in mind its a large, explosion powered, metal cage, traveling at speeds well above anything naturally achieved on earth. On top of that it is the easiest vehicle to put on its roof.

Feel safer behind ten tons of steel? Well keep in mind theres probably 30 Litres more gas right behind you! Besides if you want to be bigger, your just a better target for semi-trailers. If youre really worried about you and your families safety what you should do is LEARN HOW TO DRIVE! In a head on collision im sure the SUV would win, but in a winter driving situation, with ice, wind and low visibility, Being close to the ground helps keep you stable. Sitting high up may help improve visibility but it raises the centre of gravity, making you top heavy and, if you loose controll, upside down.

Recent injury studys on children injured in vehicle accidents have shown that, while they did reduce deaths caused by impact, they raised the total for people injured in rollovers by almost the same amount. Then theres single vehicle accidents in which both injuries and deaths were increased by over 200%.

Minivans on the other hand have both the superior impact resistance of the SUV and the lower center of gravity of a sedan making it virtually the safest thing on the road. Also compared to most SUVs they has more cargo space and better fuel economy. They are also widely unpopular.

I beleve this has to do with prestige. A minivan has to be big. they always have been and theres no real difference in appearance from age functionality or manufacturer. But SUVs were shockingly different. All the functionality of a hatchback, with none of the agility or economy of a little car. Then theres cost. Without SUVs many people wouldnt be able to complain about the cost of 50L of gas, because they wouldnt be able to figure it out, needing 3 tanks of gas to use this much. We live in a world where "you get what you pay for," maning that to pay more = better. These people pay more for gas, hence they must be better, its simple logic.

I like my Geo. It gets me where im going, it costs me less so I can spend more money on other things (Like hilarious T-shirts), and I can take turns at twice the recomended limit without a chance of flipping over.

Bill C -30

2006-02-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

It should be Illegal!

ITS COLD OUTSIDE! What the hell happened to global warming, it left me out in the cold today. Its -30 today in southern Manitoba, after some of the mildest temperatures on record.

According to an article in the free press the past five years were the warmest weather at least as far back as 2000! and now this! Well im not happy, and I propose something drastic, that we BAN ALL WEATHER!

Weather is responsible for so many deaths, so much damadge, and so much inconvenience in all of our lives. Its widely believed that the chief culprit behind the hurricanes in the gulf coast was weather. Same as these tsunami's elsewhere in the world. Weather causes flooding, which causes mass property damadge, tornadoes too!

Well its about time we step up and say "The Government Should do Something!" Write your MP's, picket your govenment buildings, hold nude protests (especially if your hot) Make it known that you want A BAN ON WEATHER! Who in there right mind needs it!

Help Victims of Religion Today!

2006-02-15T16:20:00.000-08:00

Donate money to science for better living today!

Now IM sure you all know the symptoms of demonic posession, but Im only here today to talk about the fourth one, Unnatural powers of persuasion. According to The Demonic Posession Handbook, Unnatural powers of persuasion are defined as "persuasive power which goes beyond a charismatic personality coupled with effective communication skills. This is the kind of persuasion which can convince large groups of people to band together with no visible and logical reasons for doing so." I for one cant see a logical reason for giving time and money to an organization thats only promises come from a Telephone game version of a book translated from some other language, seemingly a book that the man your following couldnt properly understand. This has natutally caused multiple interpretations, but we can get to that later.

People primarily choose a religion because its what they were tought when they were young. Its like language, its what you were tought by your parents, most have very little education about alternatives untill they are well versed in the "truths" of there religion. Many religious types try to avoid letting there children so much as see fiction that contradicts their religion as to better verse them in "the truth of the bible". Once these people get out on there own they then have less to chose from, so, being the lazy and uninquisitive race that we are, we keep doing what we have always done, despite all logical rationalizations that there is absolutely no evidence, or rational reason (other than peer pressure) to continue.

So if we rule out peer pressure as a valid reason for doing anything like this, all priests are posessed. Well theres no logical reason for religion, and most common ones have large followings of people with nothing in common. Not only do they band together but they spend hundreds of hours and give hundreds of dollars every year to there cause. and better yet theres massive amounts of these places to choose from, most of which are very similar in reality, yet people refuse to admit there beliefs could be wrong, many are even willing to defend their religions violently (The first sign of demonic posession).

So this said, how can I stand idly by and let religious types continue down there path of certain damnation following demons in the bodies of there leaders. Im starting an organization to liberate religious types from there opression by these demons, But I cant do it alone, I need your help! If you donate today I will use your money to show people the light of Science! I will teach them that science has been thanklessly working for them for as long as they have lived. Born in a hospital? THIS IS THE WORK OF SCIENCE! Make some Pizza Pops in your microwave? THIS IS THE WORK OF SCIENCE! Download your valentine a love poem? THIS IS THE WORK OF SCIENCE!

Since when did the bible get you any action?
SEND ME MONEY!

Vice-Presidential Rampage!

2006-02-15T10:47:00.000-08:00

If you though you were safe THINK AGAIN!

How hard is it not to shoot somebody? Well ive done it every day for the past twenty years. Of course I dont have a gun. When you pick up a gun, be it in self defence, for hunting, or to shoot up stop signs, you have a responsibility not to shoot anybody. OK anybody who dosnt deserve it.

I say this because Dick Cheney, has shot a man. He was apparently hunting (The Most Dangerous Game) when he spotted his prey (Harry Whittington) and shot him. Ok so I may be making some of this up. But he did shoot a guy.

Dick Cheney has shot Harry Whittington. Dick Cheney shot Harry Whittington, did he take him to the hospital? Yes! did he at least stay in Texas untill he knew his friend had recovered? No! He ran back to Washington with his tail between his legs, and started making excuses. OK so he may not have a tail either but he is in Washington while his friend WHO HE SHOT! recovers in Texas. What I think is the worst about all this is that somehow, Cheney beleves he can pin this on Harry. The fact that you thought he was 30 Yards back wasnt his fault, The fact that he didnt announce himself wasnt his fault. Besides hes your friend not some idiot who follows you around and yells IM RIGHT HERE! so that you dont shoot him, if he did that you wouldnt bring him hunting anyway. Dont blame the victim, unless he was invisible or somehow pulled the trigger himself, and as far as I know he does not posess these superhuman abilities, than it wasnt his fault.

This is a prime example of why hunters should better know how to handle there weapons, GUN SAFETY IS IMPORTANT, unless they are willing to give them up. Its also a good reason why you should wear orange hunting vests, as most of what your sneaking up on is colour blind anyway. You almost killed a man! Hell if your aim was better you might have killed him and if you were anyone else youd probably go to jail for manslaughter, and they wont care that the sun was in your eyes or the wind affected your aim, or that the rotation of the earth moved him into the bullet, or any other dumbassed excuse.

But come on take responsability for your actions, stand up, admit your human, and say you made a mistake. Your an old man, stop acting like a child

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT ROCK!!!

2006-02-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

Trust Me its Not What You Think

So even in the basement I cant turn around without being reminded its Valentines day. well I can turn around and all I see is my Hitchhiker's Guide poster, but I certainly cant read the paper without being reminded that its valentines day. I mean the dates written right on the top of every page.

Then theres the stories, I mean right on the front page CITY NEWBORN'S HEART TRANSPLANT MAKES HISTORY! A story of love, a shocking ultrasound discovery, five hours of surgery and a new heart the size of a strawberry. I mean what are they trying to do get me to stop eating strawberries .

And thats just page one on page three they have another obviously Valentines day-e article. BOOMER GENERATION AT RISK FOR HEART ATTACKS. Flip past that to page 8 and what will you find CLOT-BUSTING DRUGS A RISK, RESERCH SUGGESTS! Apparently our doctors are giving away drugs that encourage having another heart attack, this is like Celebrex all over again! And thats just the heart related stuff i mean theres even more if you want to expand to the rest of the circulatory system!

Worst of all is the article headlining on section D. A woman trying to convince men that the perect gift is to give there girlfriend a stone for valentines day. Now before you start bawling that theres no way the average couple can afford that, im not talking about diamonds here. Im talking about rocks. Granite from the looks of it, and a few of em are limestone. Seriously heart shaped rocks, This woman finds collects and frames rocks she finds on the ground! It apparently cant be done unless one is happy with there life and she goes on to say heart shaped rocks represent everything she loves about life. Ill take Wine Women and song anyday oh and videogames gotta have my Half-Life.

I want a paycheck Damnit!

2006-02-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

Why do companies have technical support?

I get the concept but if there going to be paying people the people should at least be semi capable of assisting with problems as opposed to needing me to diagnose and solve my own problems and then correct them. I logged into a site to try and get some legit music downloads as opposed to my usual bastardly piracy practices. It wasnt easy, I mean compared to the simplicity of Kazaa or downloading off a free site it was a real pain in the ass. First problem I had was with the organization. In kazaa I could type in the song and artist I wanted and it would bring me matches. Here I had to chose one and sift through the other. This wouldnt be too bad except it couldnt decide on an organization method. Alphabetical isnt too bad but when it goes by date or album it starts to confuse. This wasnt so bad however I found 5 songs in about a half an hour and saved money from having to buy the five separate albums, plus I got licenses so I can freely download them in the future. The real problem was when I tried to pay for them. I entered my PIN an Serial numbers from my card to pay and went to checkout. It took me right back to the page I was on. I thought it must be my PIN its a 7 digit and the field says it should be 5-6. So I tried again, and again. I tried adding the space in the serial number (it says no spaces in the PIN but one was written in in the serial) I tried starting the entire process again. Nothing worked. I wrote to technical support.

Subject: Pin number

my download card has a 7 number pin number and I am assuming that this is why I am unable to download when I click the checkout button it just takes me to the same page IM on.

After a While I got sick of listening to nothing and decided to try again and after a short while I figured I would try explorer (IM quite fond of firefox and miss the tabbed browsing). It worked. Sure enough it said it was only compatible with explorer, after I had payed for the card and signed up of course. The card has system requirements and Internet explorer isnt one of them, not until after you sign up that is. So I set my computer to download the songs and went to bed.

I got up in the morning to find a 40% success rate, 3 of my 5 songs had timed out. I DID however get an e-mail from tech support about my last problem.

Thank you for contacting The Help Desk. Please note that a serial number as 5 to 6 digits and a PIN code as 9 to 10 digits. Serial numbers may sometimes have 7 digits, the firt digit being a 0 which does not have to be entered in the serial number field, resulting in 6 digit serial number. Please note that you must log into your account on our web site. Search and add to cart the desired selection of tracks that you wish to purchase. Click on Checkout and when you are directed to the payment methods page you will have to scroll down until you have reached the Additional payment method section located below the Pay by Credit Card section. You will have to enter your serial number and PIN code with no spaces or dashes. You then must add the total amount of the purchase in the Amount field with no Dollar sign $ added. Then you will have to click on the Apply to Balance button. This will then cause the screen to come back to the same page though you will then see the total amount of your purchase relocated to the Additional Payment Method section where it was previously located in the credit card section. You then must read the users Terms and Conditions and then check in the box to indicate that you agree to the terms and conditions of your purchase (We strongly suggest that you read this important information). Once you have completed all the above information you then may precede with clicking on the Checkout button located and the bottom of the page. This will then direct you to the download page where you may then complete your download process.

In short do exactly what you did and it will work. So the zero at the beginning of my Serial# was unnessesary, then why did they put it on, oh wait they didnt the number reads as follows 180 1522 (its used now and useless without the PIN). Well I knew what the problem was so I desided, being the smart ass that I am, to tell them

First off I found that while it didnt work in Firefox it DID work in Explorer (with identical settings) secondly my PIN starts with a 1 and ends with a 2 it has a zero in it if thats what you meant third i was already at checkout at the time I e-mailed you i was already at checkout and thats where the problem occured which DIDNT take me to the download window it took me to the checkout window again,which is what i was complaining about. For future reference you should know that Mozila Firefox has compatability issues with your site.

They then helpfully wrote back to confirm that this WAS in fact what was causing my complaint:

Unfortunately the only browser that we are presently supporting is Internet Explorer. It basically comes down to a compatibility issue, which will hopefully be resolved in the future.

If i hadnt solved the problem on my own who knows how long this could go on for. They should hire me to train there workers, I seem to come across just about every problem you could think of id be great at it. I want a paycheck Damnit!

PEMS: For that special Valentine's gift for your guy

2006-02-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

PEMS is the humourous Penis Enlarging Metric System and you should read more about it at the link provided here. Designed with the metricly challenged male in mind, this foolproof system will show your man you notice him, when he's noticing you.

The primary problem with penis size is related completely to math and measurement standards throughout the world. American men are particularly affected by numerical penile envy because the old imperial measurement of inches is used to determine a body's sizes. Don't give in to spam messages, and purchase pills with dangerous and ineffective chemicals in them, because you can now use the non-invasive and 100% guaranteed safe PEMS™.The Key to PEMS™ is the SI Metric system. Why complain about a lack of inches, when you can have TWICE as many centimeters.

Don't delay, get your PEMS today.

Heheheh Hummer

2006-02-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

3 Good Reasons to Date a Geo Driver

There are plenty of reasons to choose your date, but few are more compelling than his choice in cars. I mean this says a lot about the person and if you know what his vehicle says about him you might be able to have yourself a better evening.

Yknow what they say about those guys who cruise around in Hummers and giant Hemi trucks, small socks right? Well a guy in a Geo obviously has no problems in that area. Tiny toy cars hardly compensate for anything.
6 foot guy, 4 foot backseat. The Geo driver is naturally adaptive flexible and knows how to make the most of the situation. The wide varieties of available positions in that small, but suprisingly roomy, interior are sure to excite you in ways lying on your back never could.
That car may not be rugged and tough, but what can you say for a guy who will drive through a Canadian winter in a Geo. I mean it dosent take much to jump behind ten tons of truck but if a man is willing to head out in a blizzard in a 800 lb toy, you know hes a man.

Think about it, its all tried and true methods of psychological discrimination. Yknow the viable kind. So if your in the mood for a rugged versatile evening give me a call.

Someone Loves me? In Spanish?

2006-02-13T11:05:00.000-08:00

Te Amo

Well its almost valentines day, and I havent gotten a gift for my girlfriend yet. I havent made dinner reservations, I havent even gotten the girlfriend. Thats not much better than last year, in which I was prepared but my girlfriend was dating her fiance. I tell ya thats not easy, and no one respects the position of the other man.

This year I forfeit, Im spending the day in the basement with no human contact. Short of the possibly spanish woman who keeps e-mailing me. Thats right! Somebody loves me!

Along with an influx of spanish junkmail, solicitations for spanish e-cards and free spanish gifts, I started receving love letters delicately worded in spanish. Dont as if, why or how I know spanish because obviously I do if I can read it and the answer to the other two is obviously that I learned it somewhere. Hey I didnt say I could speak it well

Besides hearing words like "El Amor Encontrado" in your e-mail is good for your self esteem, or so I have read. Not that I understand them, something about a loving opposite? im assuming its a gender thing. Ok so yea im like 76.3% sure that this is a scam to sell me those spanish e-cards I was talking about, but ive tried tiping on my teclado into my ordenador to tell her I dont comprender espanol.

But for those of you not lucky enough to have a possibly made up spanish girl I present you with a list of gifts from a hopeless romantic. Sure to get a reaction:

Does the special woman on your list feel self concious about her appearance? Why give her some reassurance with The Bust Doctor. you need a Korean language pack to properly view this one.
Does your man ever seem to lose interest in your boobs? do you ever wear thick sweaters, padded bras or kevlar vests that dont allow for pokage? than you should head over to Bodyperks.com for some nipple enhancers. As worn on the "nipple" episode of Sex and the City. Uhh aparently.
Do people stare at your girl? Do they wonder how a Geek like you could get a hottie like that? Well obviously theyve never heard that geeks make better lovers. But let her show how happy she is with you with this I love my Geek babydoll T-shirt. They also have them for men.
Dating an alcoholic? Not ready to propose but want to show that your commited? well heres the perfect gift for your signifigant other! A "Gold" ring equpped with bottle opener! If they hadnt invented twist off, shed never leave you!
Dont like your boyfriend much? Want to keep him busy while your off with your other man (It dosent have to be me). Keep him busy on a quest for coin and clevage. The bards tale Will keep him busy for hours fighting for his true lust.
Is your signifigant other proudly a nerd, does he brag for hours about his abilities to code and program his computer? Well if his abilites are anywhere as good as he says they are hes sure to love thisBinary watchIf he was lying his head may explode. what you dont want to date someone who would lie to you!

Now I hope that gives you last minute shoppers some ideas out there because uhh.. thres nothing on T.V. right now and I could use some laughs.

If Vin Diesel Starts yelling, You should start Running!

2006-02-12T08:16:00.000-08:00

Okay so a giant walks into a bar...

I know Saskboy already beat me to em on his blog, but these are hilarious so seriously check it out.

http://www.msxnet.org/humour/terror_alert

So Evil I Cant believe They Let Me Do It!

2006-02-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

And they give you cookies

Well it all started back when I was e-mail converted into the jehovah's witnesses way of life. They told me that the consumption of blood and organs was wrong. Later they told me this only applied to human blood and organs, and that this was because giving these parts of you up was like giving away part of your soul. Now hearing this I could only think one thing. That sounds AWESOME.

This is my seventh donation, and with the shortage of blood there bound to have used all of it, so this means that anywhere between 7-21 people have little bits of my soul inside them, and if I know my evil occult references (which I dont) this makes me some kind of Invulnerable Evil Engine of Death! You can kill me but 21 other people carry my soul!!! And there all anonymous!!!!

I mean really now all I have to do start killing wizards left and right to get my name out there. Oh wait... Am I confusing a religion with Harry Potter? Meh its not important. The important thing is that uhh... FREE COOKIES and not just that, I mean the standards have greatly improved to the point where I can get a blueberry bagel and creamcheese toasted and delivered to my table. I mean if it wasnt for the whole getting stabbed in the arm and loosing a pint of vital bodily fluids it would be a great hangout.

Hey and you can say you left a sample of your DNA with a few nurses ;)

A Huge Time Saver

2006-02-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

I Dont Know Why Noones Thought of This

As Im sure youre all aware, on account of your unhealthy obsession with me, that I take math classes at a local adult ed centre. In my Physics class im an A student, we are currently studying trigonometry. In my Pre Cal math class were learning trigonometry and im managing a D.

How, you may ask, can I get such drastically different results from the same unit. Well ill tell you my theory. MY PRE CAL TEACHER IS CRAZY, and I dont mean in a good way. First off she tells us were far too dependant on calculators and that we should avoid using technology if were becoming dependant. Uhh, you should hand copy all of our notes then because I think your a little dependant on the photocopier. Or better yet, This paper was made by a pulp mill can I take a break to go get some clay tablets to record my equations.

Now this would be fine, I can handle doing a little head math for a simester but for gods sake I wish she would learn that not all angles have to be named Theta. I mean its like having 3 kids and naming them all Bob you never know what whoever is talking about. Picture this, you have a right angle triangle. Angle Theta is = to 2/3 angle Theta. Call me old fasioned but im used to variables being the same as what they are. yknow X=X. You cant add apples and oranges and you cant call them both Theta!

Now I know this dosent seem too extreme but I strongly advise that any mathematicians reading this skip to the end of this post because what im about to say, may kill you. She told us... that it is more accurate... to use 3.14 as opposed to Pi. Not that her answers were obtained using 3.14 as opposed to Pi, Not that for simplicities sake it would be better if we all used 3.14 to avoid getting multiple answers, but that 3.14 was more accurate than Pi. She also denied my allegations to any of the contrary.

By the same logic (ignoring the facts and hoping they go away) could I not deduce that, for accuracys sake, that Pi be exactly 3. I mean think of the practical advantages! Cars would instantly become more fuel efficient. Your work days would be instantly shorter. And I even read in a book once that a mail sorting machine with a gear that Pi was equal to exactly 3 allowed the post office deliver messages before they were even written, granted that was on a planet that was actually a giant disk riding on the backs of four giant elephunts, standing on the shell of a giant sea turtle flying through space. This might mean theres a loss of practical scientific data in said book. But it was still funny.

Just a little piece of advice though, I dont need my technology, but I like my technology. I dont need a second mouse, But I like having it in the event my other one dies. I dont need a TI 83 calculator and I certainly dont need the other TI 83 I have duct taped to the back of the first one, But I like having my answers using the exact values. Yknow for that Accurate to 1/1,000,000,000th feeling.

How much does God pay?

2006-02-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

A Google Ad that makes you think:

Believe in God?
We'll pay you $75 right now to complete a simple survey!

Who knew that there was more than one God, and they pay for doing surveys for them? Why don't they know the answers, is the bigger question.

Truly a great milestone

2006-02-08T13:36:00.000-08:00

You hate me? You really hate me?

Well ive passed my first milestone in my "career" as a "professional journalist". Thats right I got my first heckler. For a little over a week now some anonymous individual has been sending me annoying e-mails about why IM wrong about the various things I rant about. Naturally he does this anonymously, and I find it annoying. Where have I seen those words before? Oh yea! H.R. 3402! SECTION 113! THATS RIGHT! The Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act of 2005! Which states, among other things;

“Whoever… utilizes any device or software that can be used to originate telecommunications or other types of communications that are transmitted, in whole or in part, by the Internet… without disclosing his identity and with intent to annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass any person…who receives the communications… shall be fined under title 18 or imprisoned not more than two years, or both.

Thats right buddy your goin to jail for not more than two years! WOOO! That is unless you decided you want to come clean and disclose your identity, then I got nothing on you. but your still a jackass.

For those of you unfamiliar with this situation I will enclose some e-mail fragments (editing out the boringness) as well as belittle and ridicule his enclosed beliefs.

(these are cut and paste excerpts from his e-mails)

E-mail 1 (Receved jan 30, 2006 in regards to "everyone was doing it")

"god didn't write the bible idiot the deciples did it is merly his will as written by man you will never be popular if you spread lies like that i think you should apologise to everyone you have lied to"

Ok so when I got this I almost couldnt beleve someone was reading my blog. I also couldnt beleve that this person couldnt understand basic sarcasm. I guess I should say I can Dictate better than god on account of whoever wrote it, its Damn boring. No wonder noone knows whats in it, and as for your apology anyone gullible enough to beleve me needs to get out more and stop reading blogs.

E-mail 2 (Receved Feb 5, 2006 in regards to Apology)

"what is wrong with you making gay jokes in a public place do you think before you write this did you think what would happen if children read this garbage i hope your ashamed of yoursef and clean up your language words like nipple and penis dont belong in a public place and i will report you to blogger if you dont remove them"

Firstly this Blog is by invitation only. Secondly if the children didnt already know what I meant by fruit they wouldnt get it, therefore ITS YOU WHO FAILED THE CHILDREN by explaining it to them, because you dont want your kids to understand diversity. As for my language I and the other people here have no problem with it, if it offends you I sugest you stop reading.

E-mail 3 (Receved Feb 7, 2006 in regards to Outside The Box)

"video games teach kids that they can kill without consequence and thats why they cause deaths if you would get a life and do something productive mabe you could see the error of your ways"

Okay the only way a videogame can cause a street racing death is if it hits you in the back of the head when you crash. You would Have to be retarded not to understand the consequences. Please actually read my article if you want to see my rebuttal as you obviously missed my points. As for that life, I think I have one, I mean I have a pulse and the two go hand in hand, and for someone with as rich a social life as you, you seem to have alotta time on your hands to search and complain about blogs.

E-mail 4 (Receved Feb 8, 2006 In Regards to Dinosaurs Posed for Art)

"How can you know that native americans didnt live with dinosaurs wheres the proof those images were made up how can you claim that these pieces of history are forgerys and the ones that you beleve in are real show me some proof to back up your claim before you start spreading lies"

First off I didnt write this, I do agree with it, but your writing the wrong person. You COULD post a comment or two if you actually wanted someone to see what you write. What I want to know is how you can demand we present you with proof for defying your beliefs which you base purely on faith. Also noone ever said they were forgeries, we just said there were perfectly logical explenations to it that might not involve drastic alterations to widely accepted scientific beliefs.

E-mail 5 (Receved Feb 8, 2006 in regards to an e-mail I sent stating the above)

"if you dont stop harassing me i will be forced to call the police you cant expect to insult someones beliefs and hassle them from afar like a coward if you mail me again i will call the police and have you put in jail"

Uhh if i was harassing you with my ONE e-mail what were the four supposed to do. Seriously though there is no way you could possibly expect to get someone arrested for answering an e-mail. Thats like me suing you for answering your phone. So ive blocked your adress and if you want to talk to me just sign up and post a few comments, you know where we are. I mean it id love to make fun of you.

Sure its bumpy, but its good for you.

2006-02-07T21:50:00.000-08:00

Its just like taxes

I recently heard people talking about improving the quality of our roads here in Winnipeg. While this may seem like a good idea in concept I have no doubt in my mind that our government will do nothing to change the methods currently used in street repair. Its not (just) because IM a cynical pessimistic bastard (thought thats part of what makes me so great). I believe that our street infrastructure is being used as a two edged economy booster. Allow me to explain.

Here in Winnipeg we repair the same streets almost every year and despite our efforts they always seem to need those dozens of people on them to keep them from completely decaying into nothingness. Dozens of people on each of these streets adds up to hundreds throughout the city. Hundreds of people who otherwise wouldnt have jobs. This means that unemployment is down. I mean think about it, higher quality roads would mean less maintenance work, and you dont want to put these people out on the street do you?

The second method is a little less direct. For all the money we spend (short of some tax exempt products like food) we pay taxes. Taxes go to the government and let them buy things like hospitals and Olympic stadiums. So if you drive through a pothole and ruin your cars suspension, you need to take it to get repaired, and when you do the government is essentially taxing you for use of its roadways.

So by using these archaic construction methods the government is doing us a world of good by improving our economic standing. So next time you hit a pothole dont start cursing that the city should do something, or do, isnt that what people do about taxes anyway?

Dinosaurs posed for art? Aboriginals 65 million years old?

2006-02-07T15:48:00.000-08:00

Apparently, a squiggly drawing on a petroglyph is rock solid proof that Native Americans were alive 65 Million years ago. I knew that Native Americans had been in North America for possibly 10,000 years, but who'd have thunk that some Young Earth oddball would give them several million years prior claim to this land we all call home now. Oh, wait, maybe that's not what they were getting at.

I could draw a picture of Abe Lincoln, but that doesn't mean I was alive when Honest Abe was. Or I could sketch a parakeet/robin/kiwi, but does that mean I am drawing a picture of an extinct dodo bird? I guess when one rejects logic, it's easy to get carried away and figure that everyone else is also incapable of telling facts from fiction. That would explain why there was such a push to banish Harry Potter books. Modern fiction written by a woman = evil. Ancient fiction written by old dead white dudes = sacred.

What's most depressing about this bible.ca site, is that I saw a huge ad for it on a university educated Saskatchewanian blogger's site. It wasn't there for satirical purposes either, which is the only plausible reason I can think of for an educated or religious person to give it any publicity. After all, who would want their religion to be dragged down by associating with a half wit web site featuring only arguments attacking scientific theories like carbon-14 dating, and well tested sciences like geology, astronomy, biology, and chemistry? Is this the Middle Ages again where some Christians are trying to whip up support to burn the heretic scientists? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You gotta think outside the box!

2006-02-07T13:59:00.000-08:00

Hey IM crazy thats not my fault

I dont know about you but my employer is really at a loss for information on even the simplest questions. For instance, we like most employees have sick days, but what if we have to call into work for something other than a bodily illness.

Take demonic possession for example. It dosent seem right to have to waste your sick days if you, and the demon possessing you are perfectly healthy. Yet they have no polices whatsoever on the topic. NONE! I mean theyd probably expect me to show up to work and sell pot lights as if nothing was wrong. I CANT SELL FRICKEN LIGHTING FIXTURES IF I KEEP SPEAKING IN TONGUES! NO ONES GOING TO ASK FOR HELP FROM THE GUY WHOSE PROJECTILE VOMITING! AND THEY SURE AS HELL DONT WANT ME TELEKINETICALLY WOUNDING OUR LOYAL CUSTOMERS ON THE WAY TO THE TILL! Wait where was I? Oh yea, we would have to of course bring a note from our priest to confirm we were possessed, you couldnt just call in and say "I cant come in today because I will eat your soul!"

Ok this may not be an issue for everyone, but many people irrationality believe in this affliction and come on we celebrate religious holidays why dont we recognize religious ailments.

Where the Hell is my Shrink Ray

2006-02-07T13:15:00.000-08:00

Sierra made me do it!!

Now that ive played Need for Speed I no longer have any control over my driving. At least thats what I gather from the latest news story in which Need for Speed: Most Wanted was blamed for a illegal street race. So dont be surprised if the next time you see me IM burning down the freeway at 230 kph. Uhh or do be surprised, I drive a Geo Metro and have sincere doubts it could go that fast without being tied to a plane. So if I wanted to drive that fast id need to blow several tens of thousands of dollars to get a new vehicle capable of this speed, and contrary to popular opinion IM not an idiot and after spending that kind of cash on a new vehicle I might be kind of adverse to driving it at speeds that will destroy it and/or me if anything goes wrong.

I also dont understand how driving like a pissed drunk mental patient in a videogame could possibly convince someone they could do this in reality. In my last race alone I hit 4 walls, a toll booth, countless trees and street signs and one very confused garbage truck. I still came in first. In fact the only time you can damadge your car is in drag racing mode, in which the worst that can result is the loss of the race as the vehicle is repaired free of charge and instantaneously. In reality, a truck backs into you at 15kph and theres two grand of damadge. You would have to have some sort of severe mental disability to think that this game is evidence that you can handle these speeds. People with severe mental disabilities should not be driving at all. Period.

This brings up another problem for me. If somehow videogames obligate people to act out there contense then IM in a tight spot here. I am obligated to...

Steal the Eiffel Tower!

No kidding ive been playing evil genius and through the use of a shrink ray and a helicopter I sent minions to steal the Eiffel Tower (Dont get me started about the Eiffel tower). So because of this game being on the market, the worlds greatest monument ever to be built out of garbage and not taken down when the world fair left, will be stolen. As soon as I find my shrink ray. And a helicopter. And some jumpsuit clad minions. Hey its about as likely to happen as me buying a street racing car.

But why videogames. Hey my company sponsors Tony Stewart, why not blame Nascar. People actually survive those races due to skill as opposed to some godly new material in there cars, wouldn't it make more sense to want to impersonate a Nascar driver than their own virtual counterpart, who by all means should be dead?

Ive played violent videogames. Ive seen much worse in movies and on T.V. and have heard of worse yet in reality. If were going to ban anything I think we need to start with the root of all evil. Lets Ban reality!

Dammit this is a Hardware store not a Strip club.

2006-02-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

NIPPLES!!!

Youd be pretty amazed at how offended people can get in a hardware store. I mean what with all the sexual connotation they can manufacture and need to protect the world from. A few weeks ago I had a woman complain about my suggestion that she buy conduit nipples. Well complain may be an understatement, but it would be shorter than saying "I had a woman scream at me for five minutes until I called the manager, at the mere thought that she might need a product with a funny name." Of course the clarification just made me say it anyway, so it really took longer, but whats done is done.

Now when this happened I had assumed it was a isolated phenomenon caused possibly by inbreeding or some sort of divine intervention after a few crossed signals but the stores only been open since last November and last nite we had the second case, that I know of (keep in mind that while I am pretty much all knowing everyone has there bad days). Last night a woman complained to our seasonal department about the cacti we see apparently They look like penises. I have no problems with keeping adult material out of the hands of children but I think any woman who cant tell the difference between the two needs to learn; one way or the other. We have free healthcare in this country anyway.

But if youre not mature enough to handle the current names of products, just hire a handyman. Unless your worried that your electrician might bring in some wire STRIPPERS or give you a HICKEY bender (both names of products) or that your decorator will bring in houseplants that look like marital aids. We also sell a variety of lubricants and nipple grease for that extra smooth feeling.

oh and since this blogs spelcheck hasnt ever heard of houseplants it thinks I should change the word to housewifeliness. if anyone cares to give ME the defenition of that word id be quite happy to hear it.

click to see nipples

An apology to all the fruits out there

2006-02-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

As sorry as the law requires.

At the advice of the attourneys here at Life of BRex I officially apologise to all fruits. It is not up to me to pry into the sexual orientation of my food, be it animal plant or, umm granola and whatever the hell colours and refined chemicals go into breakfast cereal. I did not wish to offend anyone and was completely out of line. Once again I am sorry to all those offended by my remark.

Was that good enough?

Car troubles jobs or classes or something like that

2006-02-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

Stupid Orange

Yea I came back agter a buzy and hectic week. Needless to say i'm pissed right off at the Hyundai motors people and they can kiss my ass. MOTORS RUNNING INTERFERANCE NEED METAL BELTS. METAL!!!! whatever that means. But now that I gots that outa the way, aswell as my busy week, and also some time as some other buzy people who were too busy or sick to go to work, I have just enough energy left for my navel orange, which beleve it or not has never spent time in the service. I bet it'd be good at it what with its tough peel and all. I CAN TAKE YOU YOU STUPID FRUIT!

In the customary fashion...

2006-01-31T17:51:00.000-08:00

The style of most blogs is for the creator of the site to make a short initial post, and then not return for several weeks or months, to make another post appologizing to the uncaring masses for not maintaining new reading material. In order to break this trend of usualness, my cousin has "hired" me on to post innane material here every so often so that if you happened to read this site and bookmarked it, then you won't be bored silly by it and delete your link to us.

Please stay, things can only get better. There are plenty more stories to come involving either police or other emergency workers. And in not one of them does Brex get arrested. At least not that I've heard...

Knownunknowns: Science Post

2006-01-30T10:52:00.000-08:00

Knownunknowns: Science Post
Foil hats, including my Pet Foil Hat Technology were discussed on this blog. If you don't have a foil hat for you and your pets yet, what's stopping Bush from reading your thoughts?

What would you expect?

2006-01-28T21:31:00.000-08:00

Were sorry we called the cops please come back

I'm never going to understand banks. Well I understand the concept, the whole we invest your money and give you some of the profit deal, but not the way they work with there clients that baffles me, well particularity the treatment they have for young clients making <$9/hr (A.K.A. me).

Right before Christmas I was having trouble with my employers direct deposits so they had to pay me by cheque, they gave me cheques for my last month and naturally I put them in my account. (no problems I have instant access to unverified funds on corporate cheques up to $1500 and a student fees plan so I dont pay service charges on transactions) I then headed out to to some much overdue Christmas shopping (keep in mind here Im a man so this was pretty late) and I was shocked to find that while purchasing a present for my (at the time) girlfriend, my account came up with insufficient funds. Now anyone who has had this happen knows its embarrassing and just a pain in the ass to deal with. So since I know its after 4 and that theres nothing more I can do I put the gift on hold and drive home.

The next day I headed back to the bank eager to get some money so my parents wont disown me and my (at the time) girlfriend wont dump me, I went to the ATM and checked my balance, it was all there, I tried to withdraw and still got insufficient funds. I had to, as much as the concept frightened me, consult a real person. I went to the teller and asked why there was a hold on my cheques. She said there wasnt one. I asked why I couldnt access my money. She said I could. I asked to withdraw $300. She told me I couldnt yet because it hadnt been processed, it would take 7 (business) days to process. I told her that was called putting a hold on my cheque. She denied it. This went on for a short loop until I gave up and sought higher authority. I set up an appointment to see a bank manager. Tomorrow of course.

The next day I drove back to the bank, got to the appointment with 10 minutes to spare, and waited in the waiting area for 40. When I finally got to see Mrs. Manager she was remarkably unhelpful. She told me there WAS a hold on the cheques AND that there shouldnt be, but that she couldnt do anything about it. She also said that I coulnt get my cheques back to get cash somewhere else. I brought out my opening statement and contract which said I would have access to the money and told them that it was a violation of this contract. She said there was nothing she could do. I said I wasnt leaving until I had access to my money (I couldnt either I had no gas and no money for gas). She called the cops.

She called the cops!?! I had apparently been talking a little louder than the usual bank voice and realized this when a police officer put his hand on my shoulder and asked me what the problem was. I realized my voice was sore and that I had obviously been yelling. I handed the contract over to the officer and pointed to where it said Instant access to corporate cheques and said that they were denying me access to money from my payroll cheques. He looked at the manager and said (pause for dramatic effect)

*drumroll*

"He's right this is criminal behavior"

It took 3 minutes for her to resolve this situation

The next month, after opening up a new credit union account I went down to the bank to close my account. A very nice woman kindly asked me what problems there could have been and I listed everything I had been through with them. She apologized for every one of them and offered me something I couldnt refuse. $1500 access to unverified funds and a $1.50 per month flat rate to cover service charges (the same rate as a student plan). I couldnt refuse this offer because this is the exact same account I already had, AND WAS CLOSING. So she took me to a teller and I got my money, I signed there papers, and that was that.

Or was it?

After all that they were kind enough to send me a letter. It read

Dear BRex

It was brought to my attention today that you closed your account with our bank, as you were unhappy with our service. We apologize that your experience with our bank was not as positive as we had hoped.

We have enclosed a gift certificate to let you know that you are a valued client to us. If at anytime you would like to re-open your account, please do not hesitate to contact us.

It was also signed

There was a gift certificate enclosed good for $10 at ALL STORES in the St. Vital Mall*

Not redeemable at SilverCity, Montana's, Old Navy or for cash

BASTARDS!

2006-01-28T20:20:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to upstage my cousin Brex, I'm posting this entry on his blog now, before he makes his initial awesome post.

-Saskboy of www.abandonestuff.com

Everyone Was Doing it I Just Wanted To Be Popular

2006-01-28T16:32:00.000-08:00

Yes, ive given in and started a blog

I dont know why anyone would write one of these things, I mean all your opinions are stupid, unless they happen to be the same as mine, in which case I already know them so theres no point. But for some reason (possibly boredom possibly demonic possesion) I decided to get my voice out there in this already overcrowded basin of free expression.

Two things are sure to come of this, First there will be a mass exodus from other opinion driven areas of the internet, for as I said earlier my opinions are superior, and delivered in such a fashion that is sure to delite and amuse well beyond that of, well, The Bible, which was written by God or something like that. Second is that I will surely become a fabulously famous and wealthy as you will have no choice but to become hopelessly addicted to my written (and someday spoken) word that you will send me cash in order to keep me from having to stop for such reasons as having a job.(the kind where I have to work for more than 10 hours a week)

Dont think you can avoid it either The New Wave is coming for you and soon you will be enveloped as if you were diving into a swiming pool filled with jell-o, which not only sounds like fun, but also delicious.